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Friday, April 6, 2007

Kudos To Wendi Aarons From Austin TX!

I got this email from my friend Andrea today and it made me laugh out loud, only cause I wish I had the guts to write this letter. Actually I have the guts, I just would never bother. I'd much rather post it on a blog instead. I seriously had the same encounter and feelings as this girl. Months ago I seriously.....FOR REALS....(you can even ask Dan)....looked down at one of these "things" and as I read what it said, I then said out loud, "You've got to be kidding me!"

Read on and I will comment more at the end.

Here's what she wrote:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horse backriding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throws of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f@#$ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness, "actual smiling, laughing happiness" is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.



Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

So I seriously one day opened up an Always Maxipad and read "Have a happy period!" and without using the "F-word" but seriously wanting to, I was like, "you've got to be kidding me!". I was SO mad! I ranted to Dan about it and I shoulda back then, blogged about it, cause then I coulda been the funny one, but now it's too late. Oh well. At least I can say that I thought the same way.

I'm not even sure if they print them on there in Canada. I thought I asked someone about it and they said theirs didn't have it on there, but then that was a while ago. It could of changed since then.

Let me know girls! Now I'm totally curious. (hint, hint.....leave a comment)

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